Page after page written. Some days words come rushing in and I can`t stop it, other days I really have to struggle. But one thing is almost constant, I`m feeling slightly nauseous.
Why? I mean the only one who put pressure on me is myself. In the end, “no one else” but I will probably read anyway – I`m not pessimistic here, I`m thinking of how little my blog is compared to the enormous amounts of blogs out there. Delivering something good or bad isn`t the end of the world either way.
I do this to learn, and being totally open with it, but still, I have this urge to be a writer and illustrator at first try – a utopia. I`m asking me to do things that are impossible because I know I lack the skills for the moment.
Sometimes I feel like Jekyll and Hyde, one realistic, totally relaxed, one with crazy expectations and equally disappointed of the work that I produce. I see the picture in my head, but my hand can`t produce it. I have a story in my head, well written, engaging and easy to read. But, when I write the words, they seem to come out wrong and when I read it doesn’t sound the way I like.
I`m realizing the deadline I set for myself is too short, I can`t produce my drawings fast enough – I must have thought that I was a machine working 24/7. I rather draw them as I want to than rush it and publish unfinished work.
It`s one very positive thing happening though, the number of English words that I know is slowly increasing.
I still write word by word, draw drawing by drawing, something ok, something bad, something better.
I wonder if there`s any hair left on my head after this and if I need a year`s vacation or so.